Joke of the day

[Joelnh]

A Salesman is driving through the country when he see's a farmer struggling to pull a calf out of a cow.
The salesman stops and asks if the farmer would like some help, to which he agreed.
So after a few minutes they extract the calf and it shakily wobbles around.
The farmer thanks the salesmen and offers him some money, to which the salesman declines,
Saying 'No thank you, but can you answer me one question'
the farmer says 'sure thing'
salesman then asks' just how fast was the calf running when it hit the cows arse?'

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[Admiral Scoobing]

Ok Guys & Gals since i'm back its time to ressurect....

THE JOKE OF THE DAY


These where taken from actual Resume's !!!

"Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.

"I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."

"Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."

"I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."

"Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40."

"Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Responsibility makes me nervous."

"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB:

"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."

"I was working for my mom until she decided to move."

"The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:

"While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:

"Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:

"Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS:

"Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:

"Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."

"Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."

"Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."

"I'm a rabid typist."

"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

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[Admiral Scoobing]

A Long time Ago, in a Galaxy far, far away...


- Luke: "You used to program."
- Ben: "I was once a software engineer the same as your father."
- Luke: "My father wasn't a software engineer. He was a custodian at Lockheed-Martin."
- Ben: "That's what your Uncle told you. He didn't hold with your father's ideals. He thought he should go to work. Not gotten a degree."
- Luke: "I wish I had known him."
- Ben: "He was a cunning object-oriented analyst, and the best systems programmer in the galaxy. I understand you've become quite a good hacker yourself. And he was a good friend. For over ten years the systems programmers created user interfaces. Before the dark times. Before Microsoft."
- Luke: "How did my father die?"
- Ben: "A young systems programmer named Bill Gates, who was a student until his mommy kicked him out of her basement, founded Microsoft and helped destroy the intuitive user interface. He betrayed and murdered the Macintosh. Gates was seduced by the Dark Side of Money."
- Luke: "Money?"
- Ben: "Yes, Money is what gives a programmer his resources. It's an exchange system created by human beings. It surrounds us. Works for us. Binds the economy together. Which reminds me. Your father wanted you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't allow it. He thought you'd follow old Obi-Wan on some damn idealistic crusade."
- Luke: "What is it?"
- Ben: "It's an object modeling tool. The weapon of a systems programmer. Not as random or clumsy as a lexical parser. An elegant compiler for a more civilized age."

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[Admiral Scoobing]

Dictionary

Windows 95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

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[Admiral Scoobing]

The Borg Meet Bill Gates

"Star Trek Lost Episodes" transcript.

- Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"
- Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

(Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.)
- Riker: (looks puzzled.) "What the hell is `Microsoft'?"
- Data: (turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called `Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."
- Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
- Data: "Yes, Captain. But when `Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an `upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."
- Picard: "Excellent work. This is even better than that `unsolvable geometric shape' idea."
. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
- Data: "Captain, we have successfully installed the `Windows' in the Borg's command unit. As expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all available resources. However, we have not received any confirmation of the expected `upgrade'."
- Geordi: "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity, but we still have no indication of an `upgrade' to compensate for their increase."
- Picard: "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."
- Data: "Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the `upgrade'. Appearently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards."
- Riker: "Captain, we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F ...."
- Geordi: (excited) "Wait, Captain! Their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"
- Picard: "Data, what does your scanners show?"
- Data: (studying displays) "Appearently the Borg have found the internal `Windows' module named `Solitaire', and it has used up all available CPU capacity."
- Picard: "Let's wait and see how long this `Solitaire' can reduce their functionality."
. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
- Riker: "Geordi, what is the status of the Borg?"
- Geordi: "As expected, the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more `Windows' modules from something called the `Microsoft Fun-pack'.
- Picard: "How much time will that buy us?"
- Data: "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."
- Geordi: "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."
- Picard: "Identify."
- Data: "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo..."
- (Over the speakers "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP _MONOPOLY_. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS TO COMPLY."
- Data: "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid-shaped objects."
- Picard: "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft!"
- Riker: "My God, captain! Those are human beings floating straight toward the Borg ship - with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"
- Data: "I don't believe that those are humans, sir. If you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doeskin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."
- Riker and Picard: (together - horrified) "Lawyers!!"
- Geordi: "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."
- Data: "True, but appearently some must have survived."
- Riker: "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."
- Data: "I believe that is known in ancient venacular as `red tape'. It often proves fatal."
- Riker: "They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"
- Picard: "Turn the monitors off, Data, I cant bear to watch. Even the Borg doesnt deserve such a gruesome death!"

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[Admiral Scoobing]

Bill Gates at the Brussels Police Department

- Brussels police department, how may I assist you?
- Uh.. yes.. I just got hit in the face with a cream pie.
- Okay, sir. Have you called the Brussels police department before?
- No
- Well, let me get a little information about you for our records. Your name?
- Bill Gates
- Country?
- The USA
- Native language?
- English.
- Okay, sir. Your police department ID number is BP31415927. Please use this number the next time you call. Now, you say you were hit in the face with a pie?
- Yes, I was just about to meet with the Belgian Prime Minister. One person distracted me while another hit me with a cream pie.
- We've had other customers report that they were hit in the face with a custard pie. Are you sure it was a cream pie?
- Well, I have white stuff all over my face and I don't see any custard, so I really don't think it was a custard pie.
- Have you visited the Prime Minister before?
- Yes
- Were you hit in the face with a pie then?
- No
- Hmm... have you visited any other Prime Ministers in the past month?
- Yes
- Any pies then?
- No
- Okay, well.. let's try something. Go outside the building and come in again. I'll wait.
- Just a minute.." (several minutes pass) "Okay, I'm back.
- Did you get hit by another pie?
- Of course not
- Well sir, I don't know what could have caused the first pie, but it looks like things are working fine now. I'll make a note of the problem, though. If it happens again, please note the exact details of the situation and call us again. Thank you for calling the Brussels Police Department. (click)

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[Admiral Scoobing]

Flying Blind


A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out.
He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: "Hey, where am I?".

The solitary office worker replies: "You're in an airplane.". The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.
"Elementary," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees."

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[Admiral Scoobing]

Microsoft's Word 15
Parody of Jingle Bells

Nine-tenths of a gig,
Biggest I've ever seen,
God, this program's big--
MS Word 15!

Comes on ten CDs,
And requires--damn!
Word is fine, but jeez--
60 megs of RAM?!

Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Bloatware all the way!
I've sat here installing Word
Since breakfast yesterday!

Oh! Microsoft, Microsoft,
Moderation, please.
Guess you hadn't noticed:
Four-gig drives don't grow on trees!

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