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View Full Version : Text Description of Forceful Acquisition



Loriel
30-12-2012, 09:49 AM
Included in file 7211.044, at <t id="1031310"> :

Caught midway between Cetus Minoris and Cetus Majoris, the planets are not easily habitable and do not abide the regular day-night cycle. Forceful Acquisition was established at a great rush due to the Argon and Terran expeditionary fleets both racing to claim the sector for themselves. Much to the dismay of the Terran government, the sector owners have withdrawn the right to use the ice asteroids in the sector to the Terrans, which are now thoroughly exploited by the Argon. This has led to a dispute between the Argon and the Terran governments. The intense radiation and abundance of light makes it hard for most colonists to settle down. Delusions have already established themselves in the heads of the inhabitants, and claims of the sector being on an "Evil Axis" outlined by the stars are spreading faster than wildfire.

This wording seems a bit awkward to me, and I suggest the following changes:
do not abide the regular day-night cycle: abide -> follow
established at a great rush : at -> in (or alternatively "established at great speed" or "established in great haste")
Much to the dismay of the Terran government, the sector owners have withdrawn the right to use the ice asteroids in the sector to the Terrans, which are now thoroughly exploited by the Argon.: to -> from (thus "withdrawn the right ... from the Terrans") Also suggest splitting off the last clause as a separate sentence - e.g. "... Terrans. These asteroids are now thoroughly exploited by the Argons." (note that I don't think the final "Argon" is correct - it should either be applied as an adjective (e.g. "... Argon settlers.") or as a plural noun - i.e. "... Argons.")

Loriel